i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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