Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
