worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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