You were right. It hurts to walk today.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
