tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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