onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
