Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
