dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Randomize