Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
