It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
