If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
