My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I am spending my child support on dildos
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
