I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
