Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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