I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
