God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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