i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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