My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Randomize
