Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Less talking, more tequila
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
