i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
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