party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
