life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
