More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize