Having a random hookup so left but love u
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
