I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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