onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
