You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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