U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
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