dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
