So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize