You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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