can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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