My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
