I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Randomize
