I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
