he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Randomize
