You don't have asthma, your pregnant
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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