i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
