Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
