Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
