u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
