dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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