Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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