I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
