Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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