You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
