make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize