ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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