He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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