so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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