Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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