It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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