i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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