I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
This couple is walking their pig around campus
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
