Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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