I just found a bag of teeth...
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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