D3 body, D1 cock
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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