Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
