im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
