I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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