You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
