I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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